Retirement jokes

Whether you are retiring and are waiting for the jokes to fly thick and fast and are looking for a smart quip back or are thinking of some to write on your own retirement speech then we have many to help you with this task.

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?'
'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

An elderly couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, says what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
Oh I do apologize, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.'
Alexander Graham Bell.

'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.'
William Shakespeare.